Doing it with the lights on!

Who are the Patriots Now?

2008-12-05T05:07:42Z

spittle flied freely,

yet hitting me

as if guided

by my antagonist’s

providence

a hallowed rustle

a fussing-

a profuse liturgy,

or elegy as it were,

for a death was imminent

and carried forward

like a chaotic infantry

scattered forth

by a twisted general

God could not bend;

our creator

was black and white,

how then came our world

to vibrancy?

the argued self

the epic moral

a genomic entity

pulling our strings

the pinnacle right

of country, family and God

each turn of belligerence

punctuated with airborne

mouth foam

anticipating my objections

and crushing them

though I never spoke

he rolled on

with small glimmer

in runny eyes

prophesizing a theology

that had proven bankrupt

still he was frozen

in a shattered prism

casting just red

jagged and absent

not colored

by imperfect truth

just sheltered

in its comforting

erroneous nature

it’s clear descriptive

slander

and righteous devotion

to pointless blames

yet by and by

he came to conclude

that all he baptized

presumably by spit

were saved

oh what a show

Hamlets final soliloquy

was just as endemic

to social bedlam

and just as sweeping

America has cleaned house

who are the patriots now?

away

2008-12-02T03:53:31Z

I left it like a box,

Empty light reflecting

Echoing hulk

Which had had life

My life

I’d turn down the heat

Of someone else’s dime

I checked the locks

Though they weren’t mine

I brought up the trash can

Safe in the garage

Waved to a neighbor

Who never looked up

Painted a hall of

Tiny finger smudges

Danced in my mind

Step after step

And wondered quietly

Why things end.

Here I’d reposed

Laid many burdens

Fathered dreams

Shut away apprehensions

For so short a time

It was my entirety

Where am I gone to

Let it be so dear

Random

2008-11-26T04:10:03Z

I have been remiss in writing, but so much has happened during these few years since my last post. I live in DC at the moment, but soon will be living in the Bay area of California again. It’s so nice to be going back to Cali… Yet, I have to say that I have really been enjoying VA and DC. It snows here, and the trees are so beautiful.

I am divorced, which even still at this moment sounds so strange to me. The divorce was the right thing to do, though my marriage was a wonderful time of growth and caring. All my life I have been lucky; I’ve known great people of quality and natural moral depth. My wife was no exception, she continues to be someone whom I admire and deeply care about.

Currently I am engaged to an extraordinary lady with two incredible boys. We have all been living together as a family for the last 16 months or so. It’s an inescapable reality with an almost constant feeling of being upside down. Busy doesn’t really cover how my life is now. I don’t have little time to myself, but yet I am always feeling like I’ve gotten so much done. When I do have a chance to sit down and read or write a bit, I find myself numb with exertion. But a sort of light footed joy fills me as I watch one of the boys’ ride his bike or the other puts the last two pieces together and says the unexpected.

I am heartened to see the changes in the world relating to the resent presidential election of Obama. You can’t live in DC and not have an appreciation for how large the scope of this pick will be. As I sat in the kitchen of my townhouse in VA and the results were called, I looked across to the balcony of my African American neighbors and saw them jumping up and down together embracing each other laughing and crying in joy. Their exclamations I couldn’t hear, but their jubilance was evident. Mother and son- were jumping up and down, Father holding his daughter in long arms rocking her back and forth, his face raised in a silent thankfulness to an unknown mover. I was glad for America, the country that’s come so far in so short a time.

As I walked the next day in DC, I could see the squirrels running about stacking nuts. They are all very regal, almost overly sophisticated, as if they go about their business with lesser habit and more cause. It’s the attitude of power, which flows through every artery within this center of our nation’s politics. Being a service engineer, I have terrific access into all the underbelly of these bodies. I work routinely in the basements and alcoves of these establishments, and also within the small jam-packed offices of the House side of congress. My favorite one is the Virgin Islands office; they’re always fun, and the congresswoman is one of the few reps that will stop and chat with me as I go about repairing their machine.

I’ve just picked up the latest sigur ros album and I’m not disappointed. So much has happened and there is so much impact that sometimes I find – that only a whole mood of generality can be used to express my attitude about a subject. In that respect, music has never let me down. I can put an album on as I drive to work and just get lost for a minute.

Anyway, the latest question that I’ve been wrestling with is: At what point is there so much information, that we of limited brain capacity can use it rationally? What is too much? When do we educate ourselves out of original thought? When do we pick a concept apart so deeply that it becomes nothing but broken fragments in an absurd collage? Hopeful I’ll get to some of that before the next two years.

Funny test

2005-09-29T06:59:01Z

Here's me!

Cary Grant
You scored 23% Tough, 9% Roguish, 23% Friendly, and 47% Charming!

You are the epitome of charm and style, the smooth operator who steals
the show with your sophisticated wit and quiet confidence. You are able
to catch any woman you want just by flashing that disarming smile. When
you walk into a room, the women are instantly intrigued and even the
men are impressed. When you find yourself in trouble, you are easily
able to charm your way out of it, or convince others to help you.
You're seen as dashing, suave and romantic. Your co-stars include
Katharine Hepburn, Irene Dunne, and Joan Fontaine, stylish women who
know a class act when they see it.

Find out what kind of classic dame you'd make by taking the
Classic Dames Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 36% on Tough
You scored higher than 14% on Roguish
You scored higher than 40% on Friendly
You scored higher than 91% on Charming

Link: The Classic Leading Man Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid

Staples has your answer

2005-09-15T23:12:53Z

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

CS Lewis

I read this today on the C.S. Lewis group; it really hits home. It is our responsibility in life to fail, to burn, to hurt, to yearn misunderstood and naked in our shortcomings.

Even as I see this, I find myself in a place where I am seeking more and more entertainment and finding no solace in its small moments of satisfaction. Is the spread of mass media and hedonistic entertainment that grips our country by its throat the answer of our time to Lewis's "Casket"? I wonder if this is also deeper in Lewis as a metaphor for the resistance of humanity to repent? Is the willingness to sin a protection from the pain of facing our creator and admitting our hurts, our pains, our failures? Even our rejection of his love?

In my life at some point I decided to let myself love, and even as I hurt others and in turn was hurt- I let myself love again. Now my life is so filled with the love of my wife that it spills over to others around us. But I recognize that what Lewis is saying here, even in this context, goes beyond the love for a husband and wife. It is speaking about love and it's focus in Heaven or in Hell. It's pretty plainly laid out as Jack always does, the choice and the consequence.

I must keep focused and not be distracted by the easy lure of superficial entertainment. It's not all bad, but its easy to make it the focus rather then the few minutes of down time it should be.

tsixe tnod etisoppo

2005-08-22T03:19:46Z

I have been thinking a lot lately of the concept of opposites. If you are an old Star Trek fan you may remember a few episodes where Kirk or Spock changed places with their parallel universe “evil opposites”? The point of these shows is that Kirk’s opposite comes into our universe, and just as good as Kirk is- this guy is bad. Therefore he's Kirks “opposite”.

So I was thinking about what my opposite would be like- and my wife’s and some of my friends and so on- until I came to the conclusion that it’s not possible for anything that exists to have a true opposite. The principle part of that phase is in “existence”. The primary attribute – the first and most important part of anything that exists – is its existence itself. Therefore its opposite principle would start with nonexistence. Richard exists/ Richard does not exist. If this is the case, which I am sure it is, it doesn’t exist- therefore there is no such thing as true opposites when speaking about things that truly exist.

So getting back to Kirk’s opposite- maybe there might actually be a universe where there is a Kirk that is a great actor, but that wouldn’t be an opposite – just a fresh change.

Ding castings done!

2005-08-03T05:47:56Z

Yesterday turned out to be a very strange day for me. I was working at the Magic Kingdom, and everything went ok until it was quitting time. As I walked out to the parking lot I noticed a scene with a family of what I very sadly have to stereotype as “Hillbilly’s” All obesely overweight (look who’s writing?) and teetering between shabby and homeless in attire, they were standing by the front gate smiling with a few too little teeth, and exchanging what seemed to be a very slow form of encouragement to each other.

The father, mother and son trio were speaking excitedly as if they sensed some unexplainable “good times” ahead. Then suddenly the mother bent towards her husband and surprising herself along with him planted what I would describe as an adventurous kiss soundly upon his lips.

Perhaps for a second she lingered there and using some old and powerful type of magic, endowed him with a lifting step so powerful that he was off at once with his son in tow heading for the Cast Member application area. With his arms swinging powerfully he swaggered more then walked reminding everyone around who may have been watching that in a distant past he was much greater then that shadow of moments before. His son even seemed proud of him as he moved with a determined stride towards the yellow buildings glass doors.

At that moment I saw a different picture of a younger boy chasing a rider in the distance fading light calling out “Shane” with all the longing of his tender years. But alas it was not to be; the guards stopped them about 5 paces into their victorious march and asked the couple where they were off to. The hero, so involved in his push towards a noble destiny, couldn’t find the words to express what all this meant to him – so he simple raised his arm and motioned to the casting center. The guard, though thrown for a moment by this ancient form of communication, still shook his head and said the only thing that could bring down this tower of a man before him.

“I’m sorry sir,” he said with a (kind enough) half smile. “But the casting center is closed for the day, you’ll have to try tomorrow.”

As instantly as the magic had filled him mere seconds before- it fled from him as blood from a terrible wound. He lost a foot of stature and the skin around his face sagged so drastically that I was afraid for a moment that he might be melting. Without a word he tottered back towards his wife.

His son hesitated, to his credit, and glanced strongly at the building as if hoping to see some representative in a black pants suit run out of those glass doors, arms spread before her, screaming that these two were perfect and please let them through so she could get them suited up at once, to work as it were, for The Mouse. But he soon followed his father, as many a son does, and walked to the relative comfort of the defeated camp.

I looked away as watching this part might be too personal for my eyes and joined a queue of people signing out for the day. After I was done I looked back and found that they were gone.

Now I say my day was strange, I am not discounting that others in this story might describe it as something else, but I just can’t help but wonder if I witnessed an event that having nothing to do with myself still seemed so raw and profound it was as if I had watched a mythical Greek warrior slip as he battled Medusa and before my eyes hardened into a marble statue, perfectly describing his body for eternity yet depriving him of life.

It is perhaps an even smaller thing as you read it here then those who were present all around and missed it waiting for their badges to be collected or talking on their cell phones but I can’t help record it in my journal as I am given yet another example of life’s interconnected nature and our lack as a species to recognize greatness in even our “weakest” links.

I can point out one hundred reasons why they should have known they would be failing at their attempt for employment on this particular day- not the least being they were too foolish to call and get the hours of operation before they came out to try. Yet, the pulse of the situation wakes me; it points to hidden answers for myself in their transformations and the raw nature of their fate. For this was no small job to them, this was some kind of a last minute hope in which they had spent precious magic and conjured shadows of faded greatness.

As I sit here and write I am reminded that Shane never returned. Perhaps it is a better story for them then I have foreseen; I am gifted at erroneous conclusions. But I know after watching this that I will guard a bit more closely that strength that we all own in our heart, endowed perhaps by the image of God as we were formed.

The Clock Ticks

2005-03-21T18:35:54Z

I spent Sunday looking through old pictures with my Father. My Stepmother was a photographer in her free time so there are boxes and boxes of photos to go through. It's not often I visit the past in such clear color. It was very hard on my Father. It was hard on me too. I am happy my wife was able to come with me, I needed her support. I guess I could say most of my thinking hasn't been all that clear; I am kind of lost over shadows of my past and how much my Stepmother meant to me. I have been struck harder with the feeling that I am not funny any more. I am tired of laughing while trying to push pain away. My jokes feel forced and even twisted in a way that I am just not proud of. I guess I am still going through those changes I expressed in an earlier log.

Sunset

2005-03-14T06:47:07Z

Early this morning my stepmother passed on. I didn’t make it for that last visit.

Today has been a stream of unending faces of people that I know and some that I don’t. The only thing that has been constant is the reflection of their love for my Stepmother and also the marks that are distinctly hers that she left on each of them. No one will forget her laugh that could carry for a block, or the way that she would look at you when she was about to say something you didn’t want to hear.

She was a grounded person not prone to silly wishing, yet she found room in her heart for God and the mysteries of love over 33 years with my Father. She worked for the City School District for many years and in the end they loved her so much they had set up a portable bed for her so when she got sick she could still come into work, but rest when she needed too.

It always seemed to me like my Father was the “nice one” between the two of them, always helping everyone out and working hard so that his friends and family had someone to lean on in times of trouble. But on reflection I’ve realized that She was in the center of all this good will. She made it possible for my Father to be the kind of man he wanted so badly to be, and also she brought out the best in her friends. At the district they had all put their jobs on the line to assist her. Her last night was one of suffering as told by my Father. In the end as my Father paced the carpet wanting so bad for her suffering to end, she started having garbled correspondence in between moans of pain. As he listened he could only make out that after a while of this garbled mutterings she would pause and say “I understand”. Finally at one point my Father came to her bedside and asked her “who are you talking to?” And only stopping her muttering for a moment she said “to Jesus”. After a few hour more of this she stopped moaning. As my Father went to check on her he found that she had passed.

I’m not one to believe hocus pocus bogus drama, but I will say one thing about my stepmother, which any one who ever knew her on any level would validate. She could not tolerate BS. She wasn’t someone who would say you look nice if you didn’t. In fact the funnier you looked the harder she might laugh. As her laugh was contagious most of the time, it wouldn’t be long before you might join her in the joke and then go change.

And so she changed my Father. She changed me and anyone she touched. In this life we are lucky to have any time of Joy and Sorrow, and when there is such a person in your life that brings both with such fervor they cannot go unremembered.

Go with God Querida and know that you take a large part of all of us with you.

Va Voom

2005-03-11T22:45:20Z

This last weekend my wife and I went with Dagger and his wife to see “Doubt” at the Pasadena Playhouse. What a great show! Its funny how many things happen in life and the different ways we all deal with them. The play took place in the background of a Catholic Church School. The lead character was an older Nun and also Principle of the school. She was very jaded in her conclusions when looking out for the welfare of her children. She had a new Nun teaching some of her classes and tried to impart much of that grit into her. There were three stories playing out in the different characters, and one of the most emotional for me was that of the younger Nun who’s faith had been all about youthful innocence and hope. During the performance we watched her lose that strong certainty and it was very moving.

I myself cannot remember a time during childhood when I ever really felt safe. Therefore I never had the chance for that sort of certainty. To see it so illustrated only to watch it then slip away was very moving.

Not that I didn’t have moments of happiness; I think on the whole I was a very happy child. But if truth be told my childhood was full of very harsh beatings. My first stepfather was a drug dealer, as I guess then was my Mother also, and as he beat her, his anger would fall on me as well.

Well that was a downer.

I don’t really dwell on that in my life at all now, it seems to me to be almost just a footnote of a larger and more colorful childhood. I long ago forgave my stepfather for all his anger and I do believe that as he got older he regretted it terribly. He is my sister’s father so I see him once in a long while, and though he has never said he was sorry to me, I have caught him looking at me with tears in his eyes before and known that he is still haunted.

So watching this Nun (so young and so happy to be doing the Lord’s work with children), suddenly being wracked with doubt caused not a little stirring in my heart. Thank God I had just finished “The Chronicles of Narnia” again; it allowed me to remember that at the end of tests there is always a stronger faith possible.

I get to go have dinner at Red’s tonight and be with the Baby; I am so excited. They just sent out the funniest video of Z laughing as his Dad played with him. When I stop and think about how lucky I am to have the friends I do, I almost loose my breath. Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But this bit of wisdom predisposes itself to a fact a social interaction. You must have others to reference. The closer these connections the closer you come to truer answers about yourself.

I had some numskull at the Parts Drop the other day tells me that God was the only friend he needed. (It’s a long story how that one came about but I may have mentioned that for some reason people just talk to me sometimes for no reason and tell me the most personal things ((most of which I never wanted to know)). It drives me almost crazy because all at once I want to yell at him about not getting the “ what ever you do to the least of my Brothers, that you do unto me” part, but at the same time I want to befriend him and show him that what ever has happened to him in the past shouldn’t keep him from opening himself up again. You see the statement not only says – don’t be a mean guy to other people, it also says you must be close to others to be close to God. You must have faith in yourself and also faith in others to have any true faith at all.

There I go again, talking about religion. Let me switch up to politics now.

I hate (and I do mean hate) to admit it but the Bush line in the Middle East seems to be working. Great strides in democracy are happening in place thought before to be impervious to Western ways. The jury is still out on the morality of the whole thing but the end results cannot be hidden.

Wow I guess it’s been a while since I wrote my thoughts down, I am not having the best times in my head right now. My Stepmother is going fast and I hope I will see her Saturday. I am so confused about what my thoughts are regarding what’s happening to her and my Father. There is a song out that uses a phrase often spoken in my Catholic upbringing that always gave me chills (and still does) when I hear it. As Jesus was suffering on the cross he lifted his head towards Heaven and said “Father, why have you forsaken me?” In anger and grief we all have asked that question, even if we just regard fate as the mover. Even as I played a board game with my friend Snuggles the other day I saw him more then once pick up the dice and examine them for flaws. Because none of us can except that things just happen. All of us at one time have damned the luck. For me I can’t help turning to God, like I would to anyone I loved who has let me suffer and ask why? It’s irrational, from every point but still I can’t help myself. My Father is a great man; he has done so much for his church and his friends and family that I can’t bear to watch him loss her. I know she is going to a better place, but still I have these feelings of selfishness.

Well I did have a lot to say today, maybe I should try breaking it up a bit and add to this record more often.

Rain piercing the flesh

2005-03-10T23:28:10Z

I just finished my second read through of C. S. Lewis’ “The Great Divorce”. It’s a small book like most of his works. No one can say he’s unnecessarily verbose. I guess I am really infatuated with the simplicity and succinctness of his thought.

I have confessed in these pages before of my need to surround myself with wordy explanations of concepts that in fact I really just don’t get. I get Lewis. Lewis doesn’t seem to need the literary slight-of-hand I see in many other’s works.

During this time in history (1850-1955) a renaissance of religious thought was winding up. The modernization of Christian ideals throughout Western civilization in Lutheran divergent sects and even a more educated populous (who didn’t watch so much TV) lead to a myriad of religious ideas being resurrected (pardon the pun) and really an overall confused religious center. With a civilian population who had read through the “Consensus Tigurinus” and many other issues of Christian history, leaders of this time were forced to new highs in explaining the mysteries. This is where an awful lot of slight-of-hand in religious thought takes place.

Despite this C. S. Lewis wrote his works as if to children. I believe if you would have asked him, he might have said that, this is true, and also that more adults make a tragic mistake in searching for answers above the level of innocence one ascribes to childhood.

I am going to reread “The Screwtape Letters” over this weekend, because I have “The Problem with Pain” on my list next, but I’ve no time to buy it until Monday :>(. Blah

To be or not to be, it's never been a question.

2005-02-17T21:23:39Z

I asked a question about a month or so ago:

“Can an Artist, in any form, escape his Human origin?”

I endeavored in that post to explain that human limitations define our understanding and therefore our produces. But this is not true. After a careful examination of facts (mostly taken from criminal data) I have come to the conclusion that humans can act without understanding of what they are doing and forethought to the consequences of those action.

The sum of this question, answers very nicely for me many questions about the idea of "Modern Art" and a whole host of behaviors stretching from childhood adventure to adult fetish. It leads however also to more questions.

"If you create a world, can you explore it?"

The enormity of this simple question is staggering in it's implications of music, art, and yes religion. It first begs "ability" and then individual choice is locked into the answer. I don't think I'll be getting an answer to this one any time soon.

Bad news about my Stepmother. It looks as if she has a very few months left. The cancer wasn't treatable. My father is a wreck and to tell the truth, it's affected me a lot more then I thought it would. It's very hard to know someones going to die and then resolve yourself to it. I find deep inside, my wish is that if she must die, that she would do so on her feet fighting to the end in a symphony of pain and agony.

Wow that didn't sound very nice, no I don't dislike my Stepmother- I love her very dearly. If the truth be told though, I find that pain in a gift like any other. Many times it comes to you to warn you that something you're doing isn't smart. Other times it lets you know how deep a feeling you had for someone else is. Let me say here even though I'm talking about a different kind of pain that, it is ungrateful to the extreme to wish away feelings for another person because they cause you pain. Be grateful, even as the screw turns in your heart, that you were given such a person in your life that you could feel that way about. Then hope and dream of the next, and pray that they don't have a screw with your name on it too.

Not really sure if I have made sense here at all, but other then the bad news my life has been going very well and as one of my cousins prepares to have her first child my thoughts turn again to the circle of life that we all live within.

Guild Wars this weekend, I am looking forward to it and hope I get in some time with my nephew in game as well.

Back in the saddle again

2005-01-16T07:07:45Z

I am feeling very guilty because I haven’t been writing in this journal at all. So much has happened and so many things are so far passed now that I missed them and they probably won’t ever make these pages. I have read through three books and numerous short stories and completed a few projects and come to a few resolutions.

I have watched a few of my friends get to some very great places and that has really made me happy. Though I always enjoy my wife, yes even when we are arguing, I have really felt very close to her lately- almost like we are away on a grand vacation learning together, or on some James Bond type adventure where we will save the world.

Really I am not sure what it’s all about but I do know I really feel like I have arrived in time for something remarkable.

I went to the LA car show with my friend Red today. We had a great time! Oh my God Saturn is making a crazy cool roadster called the “Sky”! It is so cool- I never care about cars really- I’m not much of a car guy- but this one is unique. I am also very impressed by the 20 grand starting price. Also the Solstice roadster– made by GM as well looks super cool in about the same price range. Of course the Audi TT is the car of my dreams – but if the truth were to be known- I would never use the performance that a car like that puts out.

Red has a newborn and it is interesting to see how his tastes have changed from sports car roadster – to high performance “family friendly” cars. The new Dodge Charger is just such a car; I can tell Red was taken with it. There are a lot of truck/SUV mixes coming out, which I don’t really care for. Seems to me like you don’t get a good truck – cause the bed is shorter- and you don’t get a good SUV cause the bed eliminates your interior space.

Well I think it’s sleepy time, I must commit to writing more often here. It sure make me feel relaxed to put my thoughts into some form of organization.

Let me take you down, cause we're going to Strawberry Fields

2004-12-10T05:48:15Z

Today I saw two men having a very good time just talking about how beautiful a woman they had seen was. They weren’t lewd about it or loud, just kinda playful and silly like only really hard working people can be. These two gardeners (I saw them get out of the truck) came into Carl’s Jr. (yes I still am eating badly) and they saw an older women whom they instantly greeted. She wasn’t what I myself would even normally notice (in an attractive sense I mean) but after they had engaged in some obvious flirting banter (it was all in Spanish so I really couldn’t say what they were talking about) I myself was attracted to the way she was able to handle both of them. At no point did she drop her eyes or waver at anything they were saying. Instead I saw these behaviors coming from the two men as she answered them back in kind, like a mother and two giggling children.

Then I realized something. I was witnessing an ancient ritual, one in which the women was revered and respected by the males (and she knew this). She was in charge in this game and her element fell about the two men, who with muscle and sinew strove each day to turn nature into a picture we city folks can take comfort in. She with no physical strength was in charge in this arena. I remembered, in the way Socrates said we do, our distant past, the need for the men to provide food and safety and the women to build civilization. Men and women learned communication very differently.

Men, when hunting made no noise- if they did, they didn’t eat because their prey would be alerted and scamper away. But as men did have to coordinate their actions – they learned body language and gestures.

Women needing to coordinate their efforts as well to get many more tasks accomplished were freer to develop more verbal and precise forms of communication.

There is no record of how long this arrangement may have lasted in our history (or even if this assumption is correct at all) but we still have the behaviors almost engraved in our natures. Many of these old habits are broken in modern thought – but they never-the-less persist as our defaults. None of this stuff excuses bad actions or behaviors, but an understanding of it may easily broker a path towards true equality and freer communication.

Yesterday there was in my life just such a communication. With the exception that it took place around a copier and it wasn’t banter. It was another instance of a random person just talking to me. This happens to me a lot – even in stores or where ever I might be, for some reason people just talk to me. Some of the things they say- I am not sure if they mean to, but I just have that effect, I guess.

Anyway this young girl (lets call her Angelica) was telling me she was 30 years old – which anyone looking at her would never be able to guess, 20 at the oldest she looked. Angelica was saying she wished she was young again, and for the first time in a while I disagreed with that feeling deep in my soul. I was happy to be 34. I told her so, and she said:

“Well that depends on how you look at it, if you wanted to do things differently, not make the same mistakes, then you might wish you were young again, but if you made the right decisions then I guess you wouldn’t need to right?”

I looked at her and said something that I swear I have never read or even thought:

“Angelica, we don’t learn things for the past, we learn them for the future”. I couldn’t even believe that came out of my mouth! As I later told my wife about it she asked – “did that feel hypocritical?” (Sometime she says things and it takes me a while to cool down before I answer, but I didn’t marry her because she’s a good liar…) She was right, even as I enjoy my life I do find myself thinking all too much about how I would do it differently.

I have really been thinking of how to explain how revolutionary this concept is to me. All I can use is analogy. What a person does when they regret is fail to use a gift they have been given.

Imagine if you will, receiving a check for $500 dollars and then you are sad because you don’t have a bill or debt to pay. You wish you had all the debt you used to have so you could pay it. Further, you decide that you will throw it under your bed for a time when you do have a debt. You don’t invest it or use it to grow wealth to guard against future debt.

That isn’t the best analogy for how I felt but I just can’t really explain how much it meant, I feel like it’s the flesh for the verse I am going to have engraved on my nephew’s Christmas present. “In Hoc Signo Vinces”.

To err is Human, as is everything else we understand.

2004-12-08T06:25:36Z

I have been doing lots of random searches looking for different answers to some of the questions that have been rolling around in my mind lately. In one of those searches (geared towards allegory vs. intention) I stumbled upon some very unsettling facts. Elvis Costello, one of the idols of my music childhood is a flaming jerk. I don’t just mean the racist thing back in the 70’s when he got drunk and started using the N word in reference to Ray Charles and “American Black musicians”- yes that was bad, but in trying to read his interviews throughout he just seams so self centered.

I know- I know we admire the art not the artist, and maybe that has helped me in my latest question as to:

“Can an Artist, in any form, escape his Human origin?”

Can an artist or writer, as specifically JRR Tolkien write outside the bounds of human archetypes? The answer is no. Anyone who likes music has heard a song that they believe is speaking to them. Are they wrong? The answer again is no. The reason is simple; we are all connected intrinsically in our origins. There is a huge amount of diversity in the human species, but we are all still human and therefore subject to experience our existence within those boundaries.

So when we write or read or create, it is impossible for us not to explain/communicate within the concepts inherent in that nature. We cannot be “otherwise”. I have a caveat here, I haven’t said we have experienced all the aspects of the human equation; I have only said that this is the only thing we can experience. There maybe an endless universe of experiences waiting for us beyond our solar system, still all of these possibilities must filter through the same mechanisms that make us up.

So this was important for me to make this point, if you hear a song and you feel like it’s speaking to you; it is! It doesn’t matter if the artist even point blank tells you:

“I wasn’t thinking about you when I wrote this!”

Weather or not an artist intentionally touches a part of your soul is irrelevant. A love song is more then just it’s subjects – it is an archetype that within its context may bring a concept strongly into focus and emotion to the listener.

I can’t tell if this is making sense- the form is still kinda nebulous in my own mind. But in the case of Tolkien it isn’t even a question, allegory, intentional or otherwise is allegory.

Taking this concept farther people may find themselves despising an artist but admiring his or her work. Artists don’t own the concepts but just the momentary retelling of them. But is fair to state the reverse, the concept owns the telling because it is a small piece of a larger whole.

Today's "Dimes" worth

2004-12-07T08:40:04Z

Well it’s been a while since I have written anything here, but never fear I have been writing elsewhere! I have also been conducting an exhaustive amount of research on Deism. Also I have been hammering away on my clocks. I have finished the Christmas window display; it’s pretty cool. I have a table platform, on which I laid out a white sheet and then placed the tracks for the train and added the Christmas tree and the little village. It looks really cool in the dark.

Too much fun lately to sit down, and when I finally do plop down in front the computer, it seems like I have a million things to read before I hit the sack. My reading list needs to be pruned a bit I think. But there is so much to read!!!

This Deist study is intriguing. I mean on the outset the philosophy seems very basic yet very sound. I guess it would be like a rock, metaphorically speaking. Yet many of the greatest minds in history followed Deism. I agree with a lot of what Deism seems to be saying about religion. This whole personification of God as a simple being with simple feeling is so ludicrous. People like old Pat Roberson telling everyone what God wants from them. I just don’t see how that can equate to a personal relationship between God and his children. Not to mention the fact that the earliest forms of religion developed these same straws to anchor religion into a nice and neat form.

More to come as I continue reading.

Do these pants make my butt look big or my character negative?

2004-12-02T06:55:53Z

Sometimes I can’t help but be negative. Actually I think most of the time I am just joking about something but it sounds negative and I don’t know maybe it is? The strange part of that last statement is it’s entirely true, I really don’t have any idea why I come off as negative a lot. It’s so bad many times I have to preface my statements with a – I don’t want to sound negative but… and then I am negative.

I am a happy person – I don’t really get under the weather very often and all I can think of is I am overweight and the cumbersome part of it is on my mind a lot – like having to look at the world with dark shades on and trying to look happy while squinting. I am not unhappy but I think I could be much happier if I took the examples of some of my closest friends including my wife and just focused on dropping some pounds. The trouble comes in with having to change the focus of my energy to cardiovascular activity. Its so darn cold up here in Corona – I just don’t feel like going out and running, which means I will have to go to a gym.

I just realized I missed my deadline for rapping up my questions on parenthood. I will have to ask for an extension on that one.

I am listening to the raddest version of “Down in the Park” covered by the Foo Fighters, anyone who doesn’t like them is lame. How’s that for negative?

I had such a good day today; I was busy until it was time to go home- when I got into town I cruised over to my favorite thrift store to see what was up. I came home with a Christmas tree and lights and an old West German wind clock with real tube chimes. I paid 5 whole dollars for that clock, and the day that I build my study that clock will be a centerpiece. Time to go to bed and dream of my study built into a wing of my suburban castle….

Under every hood you'll find an engine

2004-12-01T06:41:54Z

Ah the clocks are really coming along! I think I might actually be proud to hand these out. I mean they’re still kinda “woodshop” but I have strived in their creation to give them some character that is unique. Hopefully that’s how they will look rather then weird. Well you can’t make an omelet with braking a few eggs as they say.

I have been working in the field as well as at my regular account so I haven’t had time to write at lunch. I can’t wait until the big Christmas break – it will really be nice to have the time for some last minute projects.

My wife and I saw the movie “National Treasure” with Nick Cage. It was just ok, I would give it a 6.5 and say just rent it. No need to see it in the theater.

I was talking to a friend (snuggles) over a quick bite today; we were discussing again about if man is subject to the laws of the jungle any longer. Snuggles was saying that survival of the fittest couldn’t happen under today’s social character. Even if the government didn’t look after those with special needs, private groups would do so. Keeping them out of the grips of pure physical trial and therefore, his argument goes, circumventing the laws of the jungle.

But his single-minded focus on the physical nature of the principle made me think about what it was that he was really saying. He was thinking only the strong “physically” survive. That is undeniable in the most basic sense, but how we are strong might not be that simple, example:

Two people get into a fight; one is stronger and better trained in fighting with his hands then his opponent. The other is a little scrawny kid with a big mouth. Who wins?

The scrawny kid of course- because we are in L.A. and the scrawny little kid is also a peewee in the local Vatos Locos gang. The man who can fight starts going in to make short work of our little friend but as he does so he is jumped from behind by 13 other scrawny but determined little teammates, and alas like the mastodons of old he is brought down by the numbers.

But that’s not the whole point. If the man who could fight had a brother who was – shall I say a better tactician then him, he most likely would have pointed out that picking a fight with a gang member in his neighbor "hood" is beyond ignorant. His brother who is smart enough to keep his mouth shut in bad neighborhoods just might outlive his brother, even if he has something that makes him less stronger physically then his brother.

I am not sure if I’ve made my point exactly so I will sum it up like: Every person deals with the “laws of the jungle” everyday of his or her life. There is no question that the strong survive in this culture, it’s just we don’t do it the same way other animals might. Strength can no longer carry such a narrow-minded explanation. The “Fittest” application may represent whole new areas of science and culture we have yet to see, and therefore we must invest in all forms of strength and protect those who even have a kind that we cannot see or put a name to. After all our Survival may depend upon it.

Any light dispels the dark.

2004-11-26T07:10:35Z

Happy Turkey day all - I hope everyone had a great time and good eats!

In preparation for the New Year I am readying all the forces I will need to undertake these sweeping reforms. I will start devoting a larger part of my life to writing fiction again for publication and will also allocate some of my journal time to poetry. Also I am resolved to enter some form of musical body, a choir or symphony geared to public performance. I will continue with my work working and scale down my video game and lounging around the internet time. I will focus my reading on NEW educational sources and will only allow time to read fantasy or fiction short stories as arrive in my periodicals. In short I will use my time more wisely instead of wishing for more time.

You know it’s funny, I have been reading this C.S. Lewis group’s posts in a community on LJ. They were talking recently about how much Tolkien despised allegory and how hard he tried to make his stories not related to religion. That’s silly, a battle of good and evil – is the same as bad and good, or wrong and right, or earthly or heavenly. It’s not like any story with struggles for greatness can exclude morality. Even in the corporate world we live in today the scared intrudes itself into ones actions daily. No mater how academically we try to slice it and what different phases we layer over it – it is what it is, and that is a test. The only real differences between Tolkien’s epic battles and Lewis’s are the difference between covert and overt, or unintentional and intentional. Still someone’s going to need to walk the better part of a thousand miles in literary hocus pocus to put together a satisfactory argument detailing a real difference.

Anyway some random if not cogent thoughts.

Like a Rabbi

2004-11-24T05:36:43Z

So I am sitting in Carl’s Jr. right now. I am going to try one of their green burrito style tacos. My wife will be joining me shortly after she finishes taking care of all her people. She’s so good to everyone, I hope she feels like she has enough time for herself. Lots of really good people do so much for everyone else that they forget about their own needs and when those needs pile up, they go through long and hard crisis management. These next couple of days off are really needed and I am so glad the holidays are right around the bend.

Tomorrow I am destine to be thrown to the sharks. The digital teams are hurting again and I would feel real bad if I didn’t try to help out. So I will probably either come home after work on top of the world – or beaten down. LOL there is no try in my job- the copier works or you go back.

So I have been thinking about this awesome author I was reading earlier today. I couldn’t be more excited about some of the things he was saying. Many people, I am sure have already discovered him – but never having studies theology formally his name had never come up except in a biography I read about C.S. Lewis a long time ago.

Is it me or is the world changing so fast it makes the Tasmanian Devil look geriatric? I heard Madonna on Terry Gross today taking (in a slightly English accent?) about the Kabbalah????? That’s a WTF to me. She went from “Vogue” to “Vague” – I don’t know what to make of it, especially since she made some damn decent points about the need in ones life for certainty.

She was saying that if one is certain and resolute in action then even if they are wrong at least they will find out quicker. She said it’s better to be on the “fast boat to hell” then the slow one. You can correct yourself faster and get on with it.

I don’t really remember if anything else she said made any sense – but I do know from the interview that she is now writing children’s books as well. I can remember a book that she published that blurred the borders between pornography and (can I say) art (without people getting all mad?). Anyway maybe they’re great books but I just think it leaves some possible problems in google searches by young children looking up their favorite author.

But those exist even if you look up Harry Potter. I mean I am a strong advocate of Free Speech on the internet, but I think parents really need to spend time with their children on-line and monitor their viewing habits. I am no angel when it comes to surfing, but even I have seen some things that actually scared me. I mean really frightened me deep, and left me questioning human nature. It seems that every time I turn around we are trying to make something faster, something more exciting, something funnier, but as we watch all these things another category is growing just as fast, dysfunction. It’s those reasons in my ripe old age of 34 that make me feel like we need to as a culture or society put on the brakes.

Just some thoughts, I was reading a LJ entry earlier today and decided to start posting some of my work here. I can’t think of a better way to put it out there then this. So I will add some thoughts or short story ideas here randomly as well. That way the 2 billion people who read this journal can give me feedback!

Here's one:

death of a…

watching from the bus bench
zoom
zip
all the cars pass-
i trip-
flicking my worried cigarette
into a crowded gutter

weird how i fit
like a long piece of music
through a cold winter evening
but here instead,
old
unfed-
clocked out
from nowhere

it rains

there’s always the country
trees,
birds,
bees,
not like the talk
of the teen’s dad-
going around this,
and that like
embers from a blaze

i stop
at a dry spot
of steaming asphalt
refusing
the rain’s touch-
not willing
to go down
with the rest of us-

but it’s them
the elected media whores
not us
the numb
humble television culture

it’s the leaders
they should pay-

should be lead away
shackled in shame
reddening their palms
that bore the psalms
backing us against the wall
on arguments
that required
only song and dance

feeding a hemorrhage
issues bleeding
the politicians back bone
his bread
his butter
taking the rights
of mothers,
brothers
blood washed up
on foreign sand

still
joys shoot through me
leaving me riddled
and barren
and a young girl
about to die
asks if i am happy
i lie

i’m indecent
disgruntled
because
indigent workers
take the jobs
that everyone wishes
for their progeny

bitter like dizzy melodies
sweet as hose-water
calling on a god
of small memory
i fasten a yesterday
around my throat
and step

Let it snow!

2004-11-21T23:42:17Z

Today we woke up to loud and fast winds blowing around our house. It's funny how when you have someone next to you this scenario is romantic, but when you are alone it can seem kind of eerie. My wife gives me so much joy that it seems any challenge is an adventure.

Also it snowed all around us, not on us but everywhere else- even in the very low hills behind our house. It’s 42’ outside and so crisp you can see your breath. A great winter is coming and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s nice to feel the earth changing around you in its never-ending cycle of death and rebirth. Talk about an allegory that’s so easy to follow where my family is concerned. It couldn’t be any more plain to me that what I saw in my Stepmother yesterday was the correct reading and that I only need open my eyes to see it.

I am still hoping against hope that she will undergo some type of miracle and will come out of this cancer to live on for many years. But I am resolved in the belief that whatever happens is meant to be….

4 hours later:

Had a visit from the baby!!!! His mom and grandma and him were here just a second ago and that completes my feelings about the cycle of life. Dang he is a cute little guy. Even when he cries he seems so beautiful.

I have been working on the clock projects and my new prototypes have been getting much better! It’s been a hell of a good day and it’s only 3pm! I think I will start planning out a good dinner – that would be the perfect top to the day.

Leaves fall to the ground

2004-11-21T09:01:06Z

Today was good and sad all at once. I guess you could say it was a very complete day. My father and my stepmother were up this morning. They were both just as comic as always and made the occasion at the beginning seem very light and casual. My Father however, once able to get a moment alone with me, told me that the doctors have given my Stepmother 6 months to a year to live. This didn’t surprise me…

As a child I had the benefit of spending a year of my life in the country. Though I attended school in the city still, we commuted back and forth all winter to the little shack that my stepfather had spent the last ten years of his life in. I could go on and on about working in my uncles Car Repair Shop or watching my first Christmas snow- but instead I will focus on the single most clear image from that whole time up there.

It was early in the morning and the field grass was wet with dew. The sky was so bright blue that it hurt your eyes to stare up into it for too long. The air was so brisk and clean that breathing it would give you a momentary light-head high. I came out and let our dog Harley run out to do his thing. After a few seconds he spied a yellow butterfly flying around in the foot high weeds growing in the fields bellow our shack. That dog took off so fast him bottom hit the ground with the force of his push. With his tongue lolling out and his maw sniffing at the air, his body tried to change directions as fast as that tiny butterfly. He spent the better part of 10 minutes on that poor little butterfly.

In this picture as I replay it I see once again my first real glimpse of Cosmic Symmetry. Two players surrounded by forces working in unison pushing and pulling against each other and the bubble of their moment which captures them. There was nothing more perfect for that dog to do at that moment, nor was there any other deviation or digression from that model of nature.

This is the picture my Stepmother gives me as she removes her wig and shows the ravages of Chemotherapy, while smiling largely with a face so alive, at the eminent if not immediate threat of death. She couldn’t act in any other way, not only does her strength and being shine perfectly through her odds, but it overcomes any consequence.

It is ironic that at this point in her life, meaning seems to spill out of her. I have always cared for her a great deal, but even now it seems that she has something to teach me just in dealing with her illness. That is her grace of acceptance laced with the will for rebellion and survival. If you don’t think both can exist in the same moment then you have never stared at an object bound in perfect motion. You’ve never taken a shot in pool, feeling it sink before it moved an inch on the green. You’ve never sat on a cold morning watching a dog chase a yellow butterfly.

Cosmic Symmetry shows us things that happen in perfect order, no one could ever predict how they will unfold, but as you watch them unfold, you are not surprised, because you recognize their shape and its perfection.

If anyone can beat this latest challenge in their lives, my stepmother is a good candidate. But because of her example I am ready to except as correct any path that fate takes her down.

Now utter honest belief- or -To thine own self be true

2004-11-20T06:19:24Z

Today was a bit stressful. Actually this whole week has become a bit “long in the hand, short in the pocket”, with these car rental expenses. My insurance has been paying for the rental part which is so much nicer then me trying to pay for it, but they don’t cover the supplemental coverage. This is that silly $9 a day fee that you pay so if anything happens to the car you won’t get charged a deductible. After 5 days however that supplemental adds up. And after the 4 weeks I will need to rent the car for, my wife and I are out $200 that we just don’t have. This is not a complaint – thank God we had good insurance! But it is an irritant because now we will have to put off some other things but hey that’s the brakes.

In other news, I caught the Clinton Library ceremony and watched President Bush speak. Wow it was one of his better speeches! It was very moving and I believe put many things into perspective. When Clinton spoke I remembered once again the transformation that our country went through when he was in office. I have hopes that Bush will see in this term many of the same incredible achievements as the world readies itself for change.

I was struggling through an old puzzle today as I cleaned an optic -

“How is it that so many people can see only one side of an issue?”

I don’t mean to suggest that just because they take a side they haven’t thought it out from both sides; one doesn’t necessarily follow the other, but when they do- how can a person feel good about what they are doing? It is the action of questioning that educates. You cannot reveal a truth about life while confining your thoughts to that with has already been revealed. All you can do is admire, and, sorry but that is only one emotion. I have found the key to unlock the pighead in me is genuine respect.

My wife and I have very different views on many things- she always seems to err on the side of the wildness while I am overcautious. Well, in some examples anyway- sometimes we switch those habits, but all in all she balances me out. She does this by being herself and sharing that with me.

I never can remember who wrote the phrase “A well upholstered hell” it was Voltaire or Lewis I think- but it was a phrase to describe “destructive comfort”. What is destructive comfort? The piece of pie I finished just now (yum) was probably ok- but if I had one every night – that would qualify as destructive comfort.

I’ve always loved Jiminy Cricket- what’s even funnier however is how “The Doctrine of the Mean” by Confucius sounds like the lyrics to “Give a little Whistle”. Or did I get that backwards – because JC was after- well Jiminy was. Hmmm I forgot my point- oh yes being yourself!

Couldn’t it be that the “conscience” that religion speaks about is an allegory for the inner voice that makes one who they are? The distinctive way one person deals with life as opposed to another? I say this because it is important to live your own life, in both religion and other relationships. You must have a distinct character for someone to respect you.

Well, I ramble again- I haven’t forgot about my Parent Question wrap-up – I give myself one more full week- OH a deadline yippy!

blah

2004-11-18T07:13:56Z

Not much to say tonight- I did end up making a private entry that was a bit longer - but ever so much more private!!! So I've been surfing around in the LJ world for about an hour tonight and I can't believe some of the stuff I've read. This place is like and endless hallway filled with windows that look into thousands of different souls. Very, very, very large. Too much data for one day- I must be off to bed.

Cosmic flirt? Shrieking Ogre

2004-11-17T06:54:47Z

I am getting ready to eat breakfast. Today has been so slow. Not one call at Disney yet… I feel like running out and breaking something- LOL like one of those firebug firefighters. Seriously there is nothing worse for me then idol time because my thinking can’t be tempered with action. If I am at home with nothing to do- (ah which is never, there’s always work to be done) I can create a task. Last night after we got home from our friends house (Baby!!!) I started working again on the clock project. It’s coming pretty good – my first prototype kinda looks a bit “high school woodshop” but I am working out the kinks. The router bit is too basic, so I think they might turn out too generic looking.

So I heard that a certain guy friend of mine has began a behavior that I feel is really wrong. I can’t talk too much about the problem here but I can explain my dilemma and ask for any advice that anyone might offer here or offline. This is the problem- he’s really not doing anything technically wrong. He’s not being mean- or as “Red” pointed out he’s not hurting anyone, and really he’s trying to do quite the opposite. He’s trying to do something really special for someone he cares about. Let me give an example by admitting something very embarrassing about myself.

I love women’s jewelry. Not all kinds – but antique women’s rings from the late twenties and thirties, Art Deco platinum filigree. I look at the work and the art that went into them and I am astonished and delighted with the variance from piece to piece yet also the consistent theme’s color and geometric patterns. Following on the heals of Art Novou (spelling?) Art Deco starting in Paris (but reaching it’s potential in 30’s New York in architecture and art), incorporated rich colors and gem toned glass into angular patterns a sharp contrast to it’s curvy pastel predecessor.

And I have A.D.D.

What I was saying before the teacher took over, is that I love those rings so much. I love the era preserved in each one as if a moment of history is frozen in their beauty. So I study them and learn about them and purchase them and my lucky wife gets to wear them.

That’s right- she likes them too, actually she liked them before I did. So when we go look at jewelry I have the enjoyment of picking them out with her and understanding their significance with her. It’s something special we share.

But there is something we don’t share; I don’t get to wear them. They are, after all women’s rings. I pride myself on being pretty open minded, but if I decided to wear women’s rings- even if I could prove a knowledge and proficiency in their distinctions, I know I would have to hide it from my friends, because they would be concerned with my sanity. (Some of them already are) It just isn’t expectable for me to adapt a posture other then what I really am.

As I pointed out, his “problem” isn’t that bad, but I don’t even think he can argue that it’s not overtly effeminate. I haven’t talked to him about it- I don’t really know how to bring it up. Maybe as one of my other friends (lets call him snuggles) suggested I should just forget about it, but I am afraid that snuggles also advised that we just write my other friend off as lost because of some other things that have changed in him.

I don’t know what to do, my friend has changed a lot – but I think for the better, and I will give him the benefit of the doubt as to his motives for these changes. Still, when do I have to tell him I believe he’s going overboard? He’s also the kind of guy that I have to ask his opinion before he will give it, and knowing him as I do, I think he prefers this in turn. So the “who asked you?” scenario is possible.

This is my fault. If I had been seeing more of him and spending the time necessary with him this conversation might be easier. Any advice?

I talked to my Father last night and he is coming to visit next weekend early. My Stepmother has lost all her hair and was joking about it. She seems in great spirits but I know her well enough to know she’s also serious about winning this latest battle with stomach cancer. She’s always been a tough lady and even if there were times when we two didn’t get along I always respected her for the way she handled my Dad.
When my Father got back from the Army he had major anger issues. He used to do crazy things. I don’t even know if he wasn’t the first person to make road rage an art form. Yet she was always patient but firm. My father's temper was no match for hers when he really pushed too far. After my Father’s fight with his own cancer and the need for hormone therapy (estrogen) he softened up a lot. Now I worry about him more then my Stepmom, because I don’t know what he will do if he loses her. I have been doing something that I really dislike; I have been praying for a miracle. I have never believed that it is fair to ask God for more then he has given. My prayers in the past have always consisted of frozen seconds of extreme happiness when my soul reached out in thanks to God. Or even moments of intense pain, when I realize how full my life has been and I reach out in gratitude to that Divine Order.

But lately I have been wishing for anything to save us all from this loss. I know it’s selfish, I know how much we have already been given but I am weak where my family is concerned. When I think about having to someday face this possibility with my own wife, I just want to rush down to her work and sweep her up into my arms.

It’s a strange situation I find myself in here. I am currently stuck in a place where my emotions seem to be up and down very quickly, as if I am manic. There is a lot on my plate.